#amhealing — Public Fediverse posts

Suck it up. Don't show.
Don't let anybody know.
Don't admit, even to self.
Don't commit to cleaning that shelf.

I love whom I love.
I miss whom I miss.
I hurt when I hurt.
I bleed when I bleed.

If you don't want me
to bleed on the floor
I don't need you
when I'm whole.

#AmHealing

Sometimes, I sit, looking full on at what hell did to me. And it saddens me to a heartbreaking extend.

This is why I know, that hell didn't win.

-
#AmHealing

The fragile balance between accepting not being okay with not functioning well, and still being grateful for the stuff that works okay.

The tearing on the nerves in this position is underrated.

#AmHealing?

Them:
How are you?

Me:
I'm currently struggeling.

Them:
*crickets until it feels safe to ask again*

Me:
*moving on, and away from such ignorance*

#AmHealing

I seem to be moving through the stages in high speed. I guess I've done my homework concerning the recovery from this kind of sh!t.

Still, beware, I'm seriously p!ssed, atm.

#AmHealing

When you want to close your eyes for 20 minutes and 90 minutes later you wake up to see you have missed 5 alarms, and 3 phone calls...

#AmHealing

Me:
I feel raw, and vulnerable, at the moment, and really need things to be gentle for me.

Life:
Here, take these challenges that will fully trigger you, so you can experience how people actually now are treating you gently.

Need to work on my communication skills.

#AmHealing

Question to whom it may concern:

If you really like, appreciate, and respect me, why playing games and letting me run into your open blade?

If you don't like, appreciate, and respect me, why are you orbiting me, at all?

#AmHealing

Me:
Here's what works, and what doesn't work for me, and here's why.

My family:
Understand. But why doesn't your healing function to my convenience?

Me:
Because this isn't about you.

My family:
Don't snap at me!

Me:
*remembering why I went no contact, before*

-
It's either that or a complete denial of the situation.

I know that this sounds familiar to many.

You're not alone.
You're not wrong.
You're allowed to be you.

#AmHealing

My Family:
But the standards you hold don't allow everybody to enter / be in your life.

Me:
Exactly

#AmHealing

You just gotta love it how the nervous system is being on edge at utmost visceral level, while doing all the right things.

#AmHealing

One day, I'll have reached a state of enough indifference to replace the internal screaming with screaming laughter.

Just give me time.

#AmHealing

Sometimes, healing is messy.

Especially, when old wounds start bleeding.

Or when shifting to a new place, and all the familiar contacts dig in their heels one way or the other.

Or when letting go of responsibilities that were were never meant to be carried by us.

#AmHealing

One of the reasons why I often fell for toxic relationships was not, that I thought I have to prove that I'm worthy of love (though, that was in there). Part of it was simply, that I didn't understand the "game".

Still don't get why, really, but the how is clearer.

#AmHealing

When we see somebody struggle, and we would like to help, but we don't know how, one of the most precious gifts we can offer might be asking:

What do you need, right now?

or:

How can I help?

or just letting them know:

I'm here, and I see you.

#AmHealing

2/2

...
I owe you nothing.
You owe me nothing.
You're not worth it.
I hope you will never have to live through even a fraction of what you put me through.

The not so pretty side of getting better. And yet, I #AmHealing.

To those standing by my side, now, far or near, old or new:
Thank you.
I love you.

#AmHealing

I just learnt that one side of CFS can be, that, when one is finally in a safe space after struggles, the nervous system experiences a major crash. I don't know if what I have is actually CFS. Still finding out. But I just spent the night crying, heaving up, and trying to get air into my lungs, while living through experiences of being exposed to a system that was willing to let me die, rather than using resources to help.

For the record, to those whom it may concern:
...

/1

More often than not, when really, really good stuff happens to me, it doesn't keep the trauma at bay. It triggers it.

I'm sure, I'm not the only one.

Most people not familiar with it, probably don't realise this can be the case for some. Hence, I thought I speak up.

#AmHealing

When you need a space where you can break down, and be held with it, but somehow the rest of the world is too busy, and / or distracted, and / or whatever...

Not that this would be new to me, or that I would be the only one.

Still hurts.

#AmHealing

Had an insight, today:

If people can't make space for you even in their darkest moments, there isn't really a space for you to be there for them, is there?

Goes the other way around, too, of course.

#AmHealing

It's nice to find myself laughing, again. Mind you, most of the time it's black humour or just the absurdity of desparate times. Healing, nonetheless...

#AmHealing

I do wish, that, when following my heart, my mind wouldn't get so scared, at times.

It's trauma, not truth, that causes the worry.

#AmHealing

Me to my family about the recent loss of a family member:
"I can't talk about it. It's something I have to do by myself."

My family:
😭😭😭
"Oh, so-and-so called, and they heard from so-and-so. Blah, blah, blah"

No. Not this time.

#AmHealing

Along the healing path, when kindness enters, lets the heart jump wide open upon the gentleness it encounters, has all the pain of the past gushing out so you just want to throw yourself into those gentle arms, and cry until everything flushed through, only you are scared to put it to the test, because you are not quite ready to let go of the outcome, just yet...

That is the threshold for allowing yourself to truly heal.

#AmHealing

Many people will tell you to harden up, and conceal your pain.

Don't they realise, that a soft heart is harder to break?

#AmHealing

Sometimes, when I struggle, I find myself closing out what I need most. It's mainly an issue of self-worth, I think.

And sometimes, like just now, I catch myself doing that, and laugh.

It doesn't alleviate the fear, but it helps accepting the fact.

A first step.

#AmHealing

The worst thing about healing is not the getting better. It's when memory emerges of how it was when it was worse and you fall into the gap in between.

It's scary.
But I suppose it's also where you learn to use your wings.

#AmHealing

Got asked out for a date, today.

The somewhat overbearing circumstances aside... I cannot emphasize enough the panic mode this set off. I can barely hold myself together, for goodness sake!

Handled it gracefully in all regards, though.

Still:
No.

#AmHealing

Just for the records - we're back to the realms of "ouch" ... but at least, presently, without depression.

I've heard other people recently had crazy, inexplicable rollercoaster rides, healthwise. So, if you are one of them, know you're not alone.

#AmHealing

You might think I'm cold
But that's not true
I just choose to feel my own
Instead of yours

#AmHealing